Away, Away... Away from Shadow
For the first time since we moved in together over two years ago, I will be going on vacation with only the children. No Shadow. They say every couple needs a break sometimes. Now is a good time, I think. We've been at each other's throats for quite some time, both of us being sick, on tons of medication, taking care of a rambunctious toddler. It's taxing on a couple's zen.
We didn't start off as the traditional couple, I came as a two for one deal with my son, who took to Shadow like a mosquito to a bug zapper on a hot summer night. He called him (and still does): "my best buddy". His whole young life it seems, he has been after a male figure to love all his own, yeah he has his biological father, but that dude, don't get me started.
Shadow and I have never been able to go on a vacation by ourselves. We had about a year of fleeting weekends alone at his place, while my son had visitation with his father. We would explore Manhattan late at night, after cooking ourselves some really great food. I could talk about how awesome the sex was, but everyone knows I'm border line addicted, so I won't. I miss the food. Shadow can fucking cook, when he actually wants to that is, but we used to do that together, at it was amazing. It was our thing. Now it seems we tend to eat more in shifts in-between feeding our Monster Toddler whose appetite is insatiable.
I recall planning a weekend to Salem, preferable around Halloween, but money was always an issue, back then I only worked part time, and Shadow was always "hibernating" (as he liked to call it) from work during the winter months. Who knows when we will be able to take that trip. Certainly not this year. At least we have no shortage of grandmothers willing to watch the kids.
I'm actually going to Florida on the charity of my parents. They even payed for plane tickets back up. I am going to lessen the food bill by bringing my EBT card. At least we can use it at Sam's Club. Nothing like bulk chicken to make a belly full.
Am I going to miss him?
I don't know.
I can't say now. He's been aloof lately. Always outside, chilling with all the people who I told him not to hang out with. Many of them are addicts, or former, or allegedly going to the meth clinic just cause. (I mean, maybe it's the truth, I did hear someone say they pay you and give you a bus card every month, not a bad set up if you ask me.) I've told him that either these people are waiting for the day that he gets his settlement money or they're just using him right now.
Many people in the hood have a fear and a deep-seated hatred toward white people. I don't blame them, white people are the ones with the good jobs, the money, and the good hair. They eat quinoa instead of grits, and go to actual places instead of sitting on the stoop. These are facts according to non-white ghetto folk.
I can't even count how often I've tried to drill this into Shadow's head. But he's gullible and naive. He grew up poor, so he hates the police, and doesn't eat healthily, and just doesn't get it.
Right now, I need this break. I need to not see him everyday, I need to not get angry at the stupid things he does and says. Maybe then we can start with a clean slate. Maybe then we can be how it was before all the medication, the accident, the relapse.
What I'm truly afraid of is not wanting to come back. Absolutely dreading it. Wanting nothing more than to stay in Florida on a sun drenched beach and be the single mom I used to love being and not having to put up with all the poor people bullshit.
Am I out of love with him?
Even as I type this, I can't answer, probably because I'm afraid to, but my rational mind keeps telling my heart: "you know he's not himself since the change in meds." I wish it were other wise. Sometimes I see him, and I give him a hug, a quick kiss, pinch his butt at night, because it's there and I like to. I know I'm not a very loving or kind person. That's just who I am, but that doesn't make me miserable. I just don't have as much empathy as others, and I'm happy with who I am. But I am capable of love in and of itself. Humans need love, even us non lovey-dovey ones.
So I don't know.
At the end of the two weeks, I just want to come back better, I'm hoping to high hell Humira starts working, so that I can actually walk and not feel like my body is collapsing in on itself all the time. I need to be refreshed, renewed. A bright eyed, wind swept virgin staring off at sea...
I guess I'll just have to see what happens when I come back.
We didn't start off as the traditional couple, I came as a two for one deal with my son, who took to Shadow like a mosquito to a bug zapper on a hot summer night. He called him (and still does): "my best buddy". His whole young life it seems, he has been after a male figure to love all his own, yeah he has his biological father, but that dude, don't get me started.
Shadow and I have never been able to go on a vacation by ourselves. We had about a year of fleeting weekends alone at his place, while my son had visitation with his father. We would explore Manhattan late at night, after cooking ourselves some really great food. I could talk about how awesome the sex was, but everyone knows I'm border line addicted, so I won't. I miss the food. Shadow can fucking cook, when he actually wants to that is, but we used to do that together, at it was amazing. It was our thing. Now it seems we tend to eat more in shifts in-between feeding our Monster Toddler whose appetite is insatiable.
I recall planning a weekend to Salem, preferable around Halloween, but money was always an issue, back then I only worked part time, and Shadow was always "hibernating" (as he liked to call it) from work during the winter months. Who knows when we will be able to take that trip. Certainly not this year. At least we have no shortage of grandmothers willing to watch the kids.
I'm actually going to Florida on the charity of my parents. They even payed for plane tickets back up. I am going to lessen the food bill by bringing my EBT card. At least we can use it at Sam's Club. Nothing like bulk chicken to make a belly full.
Am I going to miss him?
I don't know.
I can't say now. He's been aloof lately. Always outside, chilling with all the people who I told him not to hang out with. Many of them are addicts, or former, or allegedly going to the meth clinic just cause. (I mean, maybe it's the truth, I did hear someone say they pay you and give you a bus card every month, not a bad set up if you ask me.) I've told him that either these people are waiting for the day that he gets his settlement money or they're just using him right now.
Many people in the hood have a fear and a deep-seated hatred toward white people. I don't blame them, white people are the ones with the good jobs, the money, and the good hair. They eat quinoa instead of grits, and go to actual places instead of sitting on the stoop. These are facts according to non-white ghetto folk.
I can't even count how often I've tried to drill this into Shadow's head. But he's gullible and naive. He grew up poor, so he hates the police, and doesn't eat healthily, and just doesn't get it.
Right now, I need this break. I need to not see him everyday, I need to not get angry at the stupid things he does and says. Maybe then we can start with a clean slate. Maybe then we can be how it was before all the medication, the accident, the relapse.
What I'm truly afraid of is not wanting to come back. Absolutely dreading it. Wanting nothing more than to stay in Florida on a sun drenched beach and be the single mom I used to love being and not having to put up with all the poor people bullshit.
Am I out of love with him?
Even as I type this, I can't answer, probably because I'm afraid to, but my rational mind keeps telling my heart: "you know he's not himself since the change in meds." I wish it were other wise. Sometimes I see him, and I give him a hug, a quick kiss, pinch his butt at night, because it's there and I like to. I know I'm not a very loving or kind person. That's just who I am, but that doesn't make me miserable. I just don't have as much empathy as others, and I'm happy with who I am. But I am capable of love in and of itself. Humans need love, even us non lovey-dovey ones.
So I don't know.
At the end of the two weeks, I just want to come back better, I'm hoping to high hell Humira starts working, so that I can actually walk and not feel like my body is collapsing in on itself all the time. I need to be refreshed, renewed. A bright eyed, wind swept virgin staring off at sea...
I guess I'll just have to see what happens when I come back.
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