Thoughts on Marriage
Being married was always one of those things I just thought I was supposed to do when I was younger. I was essentially groomed to be a housewife. I can cook, I can clean, I can knit, and sew buttons back on shirts. Boring stuff really, but there is a certain rhythm to it all that I enjoy. The problem is, while I pondered about what made a couple decide which side of the bed they'd each sleep on, there was a shit ton of other stuff that I never thought of and no one ever tells you about.
There is the house keeping, which as I have said, I was taught to do it all myself, but I see from reading or watching TV that some couples act as if they are merely house mates and divide the work evenly. I can not allow Shadow to do dishes, he is horrible at it. He's actually horrible at many chores if and when he does decide to help out. So, I get mad and shoo him out with the broom... on the head, or the leg, usually the leg.
Now, we are not married. He's never even asked me to marry him. I don't have a ring. The reality is, even if I did, I couldn't wear it due to my arthritis. But what do married people do? Was I supposed to do research before I decided to live with him, before I said, hey, I'm getting old, put a baby in me now? I don't know. When did I decide in my right mind that it was ok to hunker down with someone for the rest of his life? (He'll die first, he has bad habits.) Are human beings even meant to be in this type of relationship? Maybe we're supposed to be like dolphins and randomly have sex with strangers.
Sometimes I think, maybe he's the only one who will ever be able to put up with my bullshit. After all, I produce quite a lot, or so I've been told. I am, of course, not ashamed. It's who I am. I'm proud to be who I am, and love myself. I agree when Whoopi said that you shouldn't be with someone who "completes" you. If you're not a complete human being all by yourself, then you have no right to be with anyone. However, what if it's the other person who you have a sneaking suspicion isn't complete, or hasn't really "grown up", or every woman's complaint: "matured". Do you then help them grow up? What about those people who "grow" together as a couple? I think they should have had there shit straightened up before they got together.
Was I supposed to ask myself what it was exactly that I wanted out of a relationship? Is that another thing that someone does? People wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right, but during that waiting, did you figure out what you were going to do with the damn person after you bumped uglys?
There are books on the subject, happy marriages, successful marriages, I'm sure some poor soul wrote about how not to get a divorce, and I'm sure they're still miserable, all the while convincing themselves they're really happy (either that, or the sex is excellent). It's obvious by the extremely high divorce rate (I've read sometimes as high as 50%), that marriages don't last or work (and the authors still make money and lawyers still get paid). It is obvious that other people have had these questions and other people have tried to answer them with varying degrees of success.
I used to tell people my theory on how I would know when I found "the one". I said, that it's like how it's always been with my two sisters, if the man can take a shit while I'm brushing my teeth and vice versa, then that is the man I need to be with. Well, people don't like that. Apparently defecating is supposed to be a matter of privacy. One woman, who was supposed to be my adviser, who had never been married, and I suspected was a lesbian, said I was disgusting, and that a true marriage was not about sex or anything else, but true love, and being able to eat breakfast together quietly in the morning while sipping on coffee and simply enjoying each other's company.
Bullshit.
Yes, I enjoy eating breakfast with Shadow, we've never done it quietly, but there has to be more to it than that. You each have to be completely and utterly comfortable with one another. If the other person has a pimple on their ass, then you must be brave and pop it, when you throw up on the floor, but are too sick to clean it, then the other person must have the strength to mop it up. This is the gross and the nasty, through sickness and through health. We've been there, done that, Shadow has watched me give birth to our daughter. I think this is the end all when it comes to sheer stomach power.
Is there more? And what of sex? I've always thought those people who marry as virgins are either lying about their virginity, or fucking idiots. It brings to mind RuPaul's "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" All people regardless of orientation, gender, whatever it is human beings are identifying themselves with these days, should not only masturbate, but have SAFE sex with as many other humans as you'd like. This way, when you do wind up with "the one" you're not "used goods", but a primed, well oiled machine with experience in both creating and receiving orgasms.
Shadow and I already have the taking care of children thing down. That's the easy part. It's the relationship aspect, the "we as a couple" part that hasn't yet clicked for me, and I don't really understand why. Perhaps I'm questioning too much. Maybe, these are things I will just come to realize over time. I don't know. "Our life" is exponentially more complicated than just "my life", which just complicates my life even more.
I'm hoping that one day I figure this whole thing out. In the end I could say that marriage is yet another one of societies constructs, but people tend to be quite touchy when I say such things. And actually, I do enjoy making people angry with my opinions. That means they're really thinking about it.
There is the house keeping, which as I have said, I was taught to do it all myself, but I see from reading or watching TV that some couples act as if they are merely house mates and divide the work evenly. I can not allow Shadow to do dishes, he is horrible at it. He's actually horrible at many chores if and when he does decide to help out. So, I get mad and shoo him out with the broom... on the head, or the leg, usually the leg.
Now, we are not married. He's never even asked me to marry him. I don't have a ring. The reality is, even if I did, I couldn't wear it due to my arthritis. But what do married people do? Was I supposed to do research before I decided to live with him, before I said, hey, I'm getting old, put a baby in me now? I don't know. When did I decide in my right mind that it was ok to hunker down with someone for the rest of his life? (He'll die first, he has bad habits.) Are human beings even meant to be in this type of relationship? Maybe we're supposed to be like dolphins and randomly have sex with strangers.
Sometimes I think, maybe he's the only one who will ever be able to put up with my bullshit. After all, I produce quite a lot, or so I've been told. I am, of course, not ashamed. It's who I am. I'm proud to be who I am, and love myself. I agree when Whoopi said that you shouldn't be with someone who "completes" you. If you're not a complete human being all by yourself, then you have no right to be with anyone. However, what if it's the other person who you have a sneaking suspicion isn't complete, or hasn't really "grown up", or every woman's complaint: "matured". Do you then help them grow up? What about those people who "grow" together as a couple? I think they should have had there shit straightened up before they got together.
Was I supposed to ask myself what it was exactly that I wanted out of a relationship? Is that another thing that someone does? People wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right, but during that waiting, did you figure out what you were going to do with the damn person after you bumped uglys?
There are books on the subject, happy marriages, successful marriages, I'm sure some poor soul wrote about how not to get a divorce, and I'm sure they're still miserable, all the while convincing themselves they're really happy (either that, or the sex is excellent). It's obvious by the extremely high divorce rate (I've read sometimes as high as 50%), that marriages don't last or work (and the authors still make money and lawyers still get paid). It is obvious that other people have had these questions and other people have tried to answer them with varying degrees of success.
I used to tell people my theory on how I would know when I found "the one". I said, that it's like how it's always been with my two sisters, if the man can take a shit while I'm brushing my teeth and vice versa, then that is the man I need to be with. Well, people don't like that. Apparently defecating is supposed to be a matter of privacy. One woman, who was supposed to be my adviser, who had never been married, and I suspected was a lesbian, said I was disgusting, and that a true marriage was not about sex or anything else, but true love, and being able to eat breakfast together quietly in the morning while sipping on coffee and simply enjoying each other's company.
Bullshit.
Yes, I enjoy eating breakfast with Shadow, we've never done it quietly, but there has to be more to it than that. You each have to be completely and utterly comfortable with one another. If the other person has a pimple on their ass, then you must be brave and pop it, when you throw up on the floor, but are too sick to clean it, then the other person must have the strength to mop it up. This is the gross and the nasty, through sickness and through health. We've been there, done that, Shadow has watched me give birth to our daughter. I think this is the end all when it comes to sheer stomach power.
Is there more? And what of sex? I've always thought those people who marry as virgins are either lying about their virginity, or fucking idiots. It brings to mind RuPaul's "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" All people regardless of orientation, gender, whatever it is human beings are identifying themselves with these days, should not only masturbate, but have SAFE sex with as many other humans as you'd like. This way, when you do wind up with "the one" you're not "used goods", but a primed, well oiled machine with experience in both creating and receiving orgasms.
Shadow and I already have the taking care of children thing down. That's the easy part. It's the relationship aspect, the "we as a couple" part that hasn't yet clicked for me, and I don't really understand why. Perhaps I'm questioning too much. Maybe, these are things I will just come to realize over time. I don't know. "Our life" is exponentially more complicated than just "my life", which just complicates my life even more.
I'm hoping that one day I figure this whole thing out. In the end I could say that marriage is yet another one of societies constructs, but people tend to be quite touchy when I say such things. And actually, I do enjoy making people angry with my opinions. That means they're really thinking about it.
I know this post is old, but I've decided to sit down and read through your blog. so you will get a lot of zombie posts, probably. I love how contemplative you are.
ReplyDeleteThis post resonates with me. My wife (yes, we actually did get married, nothing changed except we were out some money and ate a bunch of food) and I are often two completely different people, yet just as equally often two very similar people. Neither of us completes each other, but that is because it is truly impossible to not be complete. Unless you lose a limb or something, but is being complete about physical matter or maturity?
My wife and I an 11 year age difference. It is a real thing, and the age difference does bring its own various challenges but also rewards. She gives me a more positive, youthful view of things, and I give her a crankier, more realistic (she says negative) version.
I feel that if one or both werent truly ready yet, but the two went ahead and hunkered down anyway, then if their is truly love, keep at it. Grow together. All that will result is to vines growing and intertwining together in such a way as to make them inseperable. If things are done right. Marriage, life, relationships, the roles of men and women, these are all such complicated things. I prefer to just love my wife and keep my fingers crossed that she keeps on dealing with my bullshit, because I am full of it (she is the Taurus, though. I am just the little virgo who can't watch a romantic comedy without having a bout of depression.
Life is great :)