Rest In Peace My Love

I shouldn’t be writing this, he was only 40 and on Sunday he died.  The absolute love of my life, the father of my daughter, step father to my son, my wonderful Shadow has passed on to the Summer Land.

Shadow was my light, he was a giant teddy bear, he made me feel loved and completely over looked my illness.  He would have given the shirt off his back and I’d seen him give the last few dollars in his wallet to a person in need.

I feel broken hearted, alone and scared, but I know he wouldn’t want me to feel this way.  I have been crying for days wishing that he could just walk through the door and everything would be alright.

We were supposed to grow old together, he told me he’d push my wheelchair for me and that we’d take care of each other as our bodies deteriorated from his injuries and my arthritis, he’d say “who else is going to take care of you, ya big dummy?”, when I was especially upset about my aching joints.

I loved that man with every fiber of my being.

I’m in tears typing this, but I must keep going.

He kept telling me to write more, but it was supposed to be about the good times we were going to have together.  We were planning a trip to Salem and he desperately wanted me to go to San Francisco with him.

He was always animated when talking about his love for California.  That was his home.  Right now he’s probably just meditating on Hippie Hill and rolling a joint.

I am so very grateful to have had seven wonderful years with him, to have experienced being loved so fully and to have created a child out of that perfect love.

My dearest Shadow, I love you and I miss you and I know that Ana was the most important person in the world for you.  You’re no longer in pain, and I know you will continue to watch over our daughter.  It wasn’t a coincidence that the EMT gave her a lady bug stuffed animal, that was you telling me that you were there and that you loved us.  I found the post card you meant to send from California but never did, and I found the dimes in the trunk of your car.  I love you too, you big beautiful man, to the moon and back, always and forever, good bye for now my dear, we will meet again.