Profound Spirituality

The temple at Delphi, where the oracle became quite intoxicated from natural gases through a "chasm".  I prefer not to be out of mind to experience Apollo.

Lately, I find myself getting jealous at other people's experiences of spirituality.  Like, why are their observations of the Divine, deity and even paranormal phenomenon so much more rich and varied than mine, or frequent for that matter?

I have read about people actually coming in contact with Goddesses and speaking with them.  Others have told me about their ability to astral project.  My own son has the skill, and over time, as he matures, he'll be able to hone it.

As I have said before, I have issues with empathy.  I have a lack of it, the exception being my children, specifically my son because of 12 years worth of absolute drama, so when it comes to him, I get very emotional and things get painful, physically.

There are so many of you who are empaths, and you feel others emotions like the entire weight of the world is suffocating you!  Me, I have zero sympathy for people.  I've been accused of being a sadist and even a sociopath.  I had to learn to love and appreciate and actually care for Shadow in a way I never had before.

It seems, I just don't feel this part of my path, the way others do, and it is of course irrational of me to feel jealous!  I don't want to feel crushed by other people's feelings.  I don't want the prophetic dreams my dad has or speak to dead people like my yaiya.  I don't want to be harassed by spirits who need help moving on!

But there is that part of me that wants a closer connection to the Gods.

For me, I can at least feel someone there.  I asked Hera to be near me at the birth of my son.  I didn't ask a Goddess to be there when I had my daughter, because Shadow was there, he was my rock.  When the wind blows, I feel a playful mother tickling me, sometimes there are other instances, where I feel like someone is there, but how can one be sure?

I have to think about when that "ah ha!" moment happened for me when I felt something shift, and that moment was when I gave birth.  I have written here and there about feeling like Wonder Woman, able to do anything with that tiny little baby boy in my arms.  I was the Goddess.  That utter euphoria lasted for years.  It actually ended in September 2014 when I found out I was pregnant with Ana, severe morning sickness sure does bring one back down to earth.

I experienced that wonderful sensation again in April 2015, but it was short lived because my body was failing me.  For others, illness brings them closer to their Gods, for me, it makes me withdraw from the Divine.

I want that feeling back.  I want to feel like I can do anything again.  I want to feel like the mother Goddess able to wrestle a crocodile away from her babes!

I also have to realize that my experiences are my own and I can't have the same ones other people do.😒

Shadow has been telling me for months now that I need more grounding, I need to go outside barefoot and hug a tree, get my toes into some dirt and rid myself of these blockages.

Am I not accepting enough of the Divine?

Is my own illness, or perhaps my mind blocking me?

How do I even find out?

Lately my energy has been zapped, I do my root grounding, the one that I'm sure everyone knows.  Extend your root out into a nearby tree in your minds eye and feed that tree all the muck inside of you, and replace it with lovely tree energy.  Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don't. 

Another one I use is in the shower, I always highly recommend the technique to people, especially those who feel calmer in water or when it rains.  Let the sludge fall from your body and go down the drain where it will be filtered somewhere by the Earth.

Am I perhaps letting too much out, and not getting enough in?

Maybe this is the reason why I am seeking out so many books on the craft that I haven't read before (thank goodness for the New York Public Library).

For me, letting things in is easiest in the form of books.  For years I spent most of my time writing, I kept an old livejournal and wrote on two fanfiction sites in my teens and at various times during adult hood, but I didn't read many books unless it was for school or when a new Harry Potter book came out (yeah, I know, I'm old.🙅)

Writing is output.

Reading is input.

Thus, I'll leave it at this for now.  I'll read more.  Figure out a few things, add some new tricks to my practice (I'm kinda drawn to prayer beads now), and see what's what.

I came to Wicca so I wouldn't be in a religious rut.  I'm not going to be the lapse pagan, but I'm also not on a quest to become a religious zealot.  I can, after all, think of some people who are. 😉

Blessed Be!
🌛🌝🌜