Friday, April 20, 2018

420


Greetings on this, the holiest day for those devotees known as The Stoners.  For it is They who light the green dank herb and speak truths unto men.
Blessed Be They, and their greenest of crops.

I don't smoke.  Never have.  I can't even be too close to a BBQ.  But I have a severe disease and would benefit from CBD oil.  Sadly, it's expensive and I can't afford it.

There are so many stories of it working for people with arthritis and other auto immune diseases.  I need something that works, because nothing else really does, but again, I don't have the money to pay for it.

It's unreasonable how expensive it is.

So, even though I don't smoke, I still sign petitions, I still try and keep up with news and forward articles to people.  If you do smoke, sign the petitions.  Please, I know most of you guys are out there doing it for fun, but there are some very sick people who need a natural alternative to the usual drugs they pump us with.  We need prices lowered or items subsidized for our health just like medicaid pays for all those dangerous pharmacuticals.

I hope everyone had a great day and continues to have a wonderful enlightening night feeling good.

These are my feelings on marijuana whether you use it for fun or to stop the pain.  It needs to be available to everyone at a low price and no one should ever go to jail for using it or having it on their person.

Happy 420 to everyone!!

Blessed Be!
🚬πŸ”₯πŸ’¨

Sunday, April 1, 2018

We Think They're Watching Us


Some pretty weird things have been going on lately, mostly to Shadow but I've had some bizarre phone calls too.

So, as many of you know, Shadow fell off of the scaffolding he was erecting almost four years ago, actually just after we concieved Ana.  I've never discussed any of the legal aspects because for one thing, I don't really know them and second, they're not mine to discuss.  Shadow and I are not married.  It's nobodies damned business but his.

Anyway, starting in September, I began receiving phone calls from Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield about our Medicare case in NYC, but they'd always ask about Shadow's health stuff, not mine or Ana's (Dino wasn't on our policy).  I didn't tell the gentleman on the phone anything.  He was obviously Jamaican.  He called three times.  All I said was, "you need to speak with Shadow about this, his number should be on file too, here it is in case it isn't".  Mind you, both our numbers were always on everything.

Periodically I'd recieve a phone call about Shadow and still give them his number and tell them to call.  They'd always say they were from Blue Cross.  I just got two calls last week, two different people and I said the same thing.  His number should be on file, call him, here it is again.  The second person said, no one made a note of it, so I gave it again.

Now, yesterday Shadow tells me that he recieved a very strange phone call saying that they were from the post office and couldn't deliver a check.  The woman on the phone read off both addresses in NYC from the shelter we were in together as a family and the men's shelter he was in by himself.  She explained that the check had gone first to Queens, then to Manhattan, and finally they were trying to deliver it to him in Cali.

First of all, the post office doesn't call people.  Second of all they shouldn't know it's a check and third of all they said there was a driver outside his mom's house and there wasn't.

There is no check.  One was never issued from anything regarding his case.

Here is another scary occurrence: There was a helicopter hovering over his mom's property.

Shadow was able to trace the phone number that called him after confirming with the post office that they never called, would never call and there was nothing for him with them.  The number is from Florida.  He was even able to get the address it's registered to, if that info is correct with the way people change numbers nowadays.

Who knows?  They're probably reading this right now, just like my ex boyfriends and all those other people that like to stalk me.

What's going on?

We have our suspicions. 

It's known that when someone applies for disability or has a lawsuit that they do send out private investigators to capture surveillance on people who are trying to scam the insurance companies.  For example, catching someone lifting heavy groceries out of their car when they claim they can't carry things due to pain.  Or capturing video of a person jogging when they claim that they need a walker to get around.  So, this could be one of those investigators.  OK, fine dude, that your job, just don't scare people.

There is no doubt that Shadow is doing better, but on my good days, he is not as good as me.  He has to rest constantly, he falls asleep all the time (oh my Gods it's so annoying!), and he twitches and shifts in pain which is what my bad days look like too.  Sleeping next to him was the worst, he shakes and stiffens and winds up screaming due to the nerve pain.  He can't sit or stand for too long and he brings a blanket in his walker so he can lie down at the park when we take Ana.

I have said, look if the court Dr wants you to go back to work, then you need to be retrained for a new skill set and they should pay for it.  Furthermore who the hell is going to hire him like that when he has narcolepsy?!

I get it, you must weed out the fakers otherwise the government loses money for people that actually need it like mentally retarded children who's parents keep saying they're autistic.  If your kid keeps drooling and banging their skull into the wall, I'm sorry Carol, but Ian isn't going to college.

πŸ˜‚

My other conspiracy theory is that someone somehow is trying to get like an advance on whatever money he will get in the suit, which he'd then not have money himself but be made to pay the interest which is something obscene like 33 percent.

Like what if this is a major thing poor people do in Florida?  There is REAL poverty down there.  What if some how these people get the info from people's cases and try and get checks out of them?

Or, is it some tactic the insurance company uses with all the phone calls to check up on people?

Are they watching me?

Well, I hope they are.  Shadow was my care giver.  I was in fucking bed unable to walk for months and he still took care of me before and after his surgery.  He would come home from work dead tired and still take care of Ana when she was a newborn.  He still went to work point blank even though he was injured, and just took ibuprofen to get through the day before he became partially paralyzed, we had to buy those massive bottles from Costco!  He was in the hospital for over a month while I took care of Ana alone with no one to take care of me.  We have both seen each other at our absolute worst, but he knew going into this relationship that I was sick, no one plans for both partners to be incapacitated!

We have been through fucking hell the past three years.  That's our daughter's entire life.  Three years of pain and suffering, hospitalizations, opioids, nasty TNF blockers and soon to be chemo for me.

He can't take of me, and I can't take care of him.  We're fucking screwed.  All we want to do is get better, but it's taking years and I have a degenerative joint disease so that might not even happen for me.

So to the people who are watching, reading and calling.  Fuck you. Seriously.  We're not trying to scam anyone.  I live in fucking Newark where there is a murder every day.  I am 33 and need a cane because they said I'm too young to get my knee replaced. Shadow deserves better than all of this.  He could have died.  So have some compassion.

Jerks.

To my regular readers and kind friends, I appreciate any insight you have regarding any of this.  You're all amazing, and I appreciate your friendship.

Blessed Be!

πŸŒ›πŸŒπŸŒœ

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Dimes and Ladybugs


I happened to mention this story briefly in a comment, but I suppose I should go ahead and tell the full tale.

🐞

Ladybugs are Shadow's thing.  His totem animal maybe?  Spirit guide?  I don't know.  Whatever they are to him spiritually, it doesn't matter, what matters is, they're there, and when it involves him, they're there for me too.

When I first met Shadow, a number of odd things began happening, first it was the dimes and next it was the ladybugs, there were other things too, but that's another story for another time. Anyway, they never really popped up for me before.  I'd always come across oddly colored bugs I'd never seen and pennies on the street.

Shadow however, brings the Magick.

First, the curious incident of the dimes on the sidewalk:

Long before he ever met me, Shadow did a ritual on a beach in Pacifica, which he has never really explained in great detail to me.  Instead of using pennies, he used dimes and it also involved a bonfire which apparently are perfectly legal there.  Ever since that day, he finds dimes on the street.  Never pennies.  And I'm not talking one here or there, I'm talking four or five or more a day.  When I began dating him, I too started finding dimes.  Dino and I would be walking along and say "look, there's a dime! Shadow's thinking about us!", and we'd know it to be true, and we still know now that he is.  Occasionally we do find a penny, and a couple of times ten bucks, but mostly dimes.

Second, the plague of spotted red ladies:

There wasn't a ritual involved for this one, at least I don't think there was, I don't know, he has a headache right now, so I can't ask him.  Never the less, lady bugs, there were.  I'd see them in places where before there was nothing.  We had screens, so how the hell did they get in?  It wasn't tons of them, just, they'd always land on me!  

So, two specific times that I can remember was one, where the lady bug landed on me and shortly after that we moved in together.  We actually didn't intend to move in together, because he preferred being in Union City which is super close to Manhattan to get to work.  It happened by accident, he just kinda stayed and didn't go home and eventually his roommate brought all his stuff to my place.  Oops.

The second ladybug landed on my panties while I was in a public restroom, and I just knew, that I was pregnant.  That's it.  The ladybug brought me a message.  "No moon blood on your panties this month!"

Ladybugs for Shadow and I are harbingers of good things.  

Ana has a ladybug potty, and ladybugs on her Crocs.  Above her bed instead of a cross, she has a stained glass ladybug, she also has a ladybug tutu.  Dino, oddly enough when he was little had ladybugs on his Crocs too, but he's a big boy now.

So there you have it.  The truly bizarre, yet magical things that can happen when two Wiccans get together.

Blessed Be!  Hope everyone enjoyed the full moon and hopefully it won't be cloudy for the next blue moon at the end of the month!  

πŸŒ’πŸŒ•πŸŒ˜




Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Profound Spirituality

The temple at Delphi, where the oracle became quite intoxicated from natural gases through a "chasm".  I prefer not to be out of mind to experience Apollo.


Lately, I find myself getting jealous at other people's experiences of spirituality.  Like, why are their observations of the Divine, deity and even paranormal phenomenon so much more rich and varied than mine, or frequent for that matter?

I have read about people actually coming in contact with Goddesses and speaking with them.  Others have told me about their ability to astral project.  My own son has the skill, and over time, as he matures, he'll be able to hone it.

As I have said before, I have issues with empathy.  I have a lack of it, the exception being my children, specifically my son because of 12 years worth of absolute drama, so when it comes to him, I get very emotional and things get painful, physically.

There are so many of you who are empaths, and you feel others emotions like the entire weight of the world is suffocating you!  Me, I have zero sympathy for people.  I've been accused of being a sadist and even a sociopath.  I had to learn to love and appreciate and actually care for Shadow in a way I never had before.

It seems, I just don't feel this part of my path, the way others do, and it is of course irrational of me to feel jealous!  I don't want to feel crushed by other people's feelings.  I don't want the prophetic dreams my dad has or speak to dead people like my yaiya.  I don't want to be harassed by spirits who need help moving on!

But there is that part of me that wants a closer connection to the Gods.

For me, I can at least feel someone there.  I asked Hera to be near me at the birth of my son.  I didn't ask a Goddess to be there when I had my daughter, because Shadow was there, he was my rock.  When the wind blows, I feel a playful mother tickling me, sometimes there are other instances, where I feel like someone is there, but how can one be sure?

I have to think about when that "ah ha!" moment happened for me when I felt something shift, and that moment was when I gave birth.  I have written here and there about feeling like Wonder Woman, able to do anything with that tiny little baby boy in my arms.  I was the Goddess.  That utter euphoria lasted for years.  It actually ended in September 2014 when I found out I was pregnant with Ana, severe morning sickness sure does bring one back down to earth.

I experienced that wonderful sensation again in April 2015, but it was short lived because my body was failing me.  For others, illness brings them closer to their Gods, for me, it makes me withdraw from the Divine.

I want that feeling back.  I want to feel like I can do anything again.  I want to feel like the mother Goddess able to wrestle a crocodile away from her babes!

I also have to realize that my experiences are my own and I can't have the same ones other people do.πŸ˜’

Shadow has been telling me for months now that I need more grounding, I need to go outside barefoot and hug a tree, get my toes into some dirt and rid myself of these blockages.

Am I not accepting enough of the Divine?

Is my own illness, or perhaps my mind blocking me?

How do I even find out?

Lately my energy has been zapped, I do my root grounding, the one that I'm sure everyone knows.  Extend your root out into a nearby tree in your minds eye and feed that tree all the muck inside of you, and replace it with lovely tree energy.  Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don't. 

Another one I use is in the shower, I always highly recommend the technique to people, especially those who feel calmer in water or when it rains.  Let the sludge fall from your body and go down the drain where it will be filtered somewhere by the Earth.

Am I perhaps letting too much out, and not getting enough in?

Maybe this is the reason why I am seeking out so many books on the craft that I haven't read before (thank goodness for the New York Public Library).

For me, letting things in is easiest in the form of books.  For years I spent most of my time writing, I kept an old livejournal and wrote on two fanfiction sites in my teens and at various times during adult hood, but I didn't read many books unless it was for school or when a new Harry Potter book came out (yeah, I know, I'm old.πŸ™…)

Writing is output.

Reading is input.

Thus, I'll leave it at this for now.  I'll read more.  Figure out a few things, add some new tricks to my practice (I'm kinda drawn to prayer beads now), and see what's what.

I came to Wicca so I wouldn't be in a religious rut.  I'm not going to be the lapse pagan, but I'm also not on a quest to become a religious zealot.  I can, after all, think of some people who are. πŸ˜‰

Blessed Be!
πŸŒ›πŸŒπŸŒœ

Saturday, February 17, 2018

The Distance Between Us


I was an emotional wreck on Valentine's Day night.  I'm allowed to be, it was the last day of my period.  I knew this was coming, I had already spoken to my mother in law about it, but hearing it from him absolutely broke me. 😒

Shadow is home in California.

No, we're not broken up.

You thought that, didn't you?  I enjoy being dramatic.😈

He just needs to be with his mama right now just like all boys sometimes do.  He hasn't seen his family in six years and that's a very long time.  His mom has come to us twice, both times around Ana's birthday.

She's going to take care of him, just like my parents have to now take care of me.  It sucks being a disabled adult.  We don't know how long he's going to be there for, that's up to him.  He needs to focus on getting healthy, just like I do.  At least he has access to healthier food and legal marijuana out there.  He no longer needs any other meds besides weed, sure wish I could get some.

We FaceTime'd earlier, he got there safely, not a great flight, but air travel isn't the same anymore.  His mama is putting him on a vegan diet, so he'll be able to lose weight and get better faster.

We both need time for ourselves.  We tried for almost three years to take care of each other while both being sick, and you know what, it's difficult.  The reality is, we needed a nurse or a maid, someone to help with day to day tasks, but the state wasn't going to pay for that, nor could we afford it by ourselves.

I don't know how I'm going to be next year or the year after.  I've been up and down but mostly down since Ana was born, at one point they thought I was going to die from septic arthritis, five weeks after giving birth, still bleeding, milk production not even regulated yet.  I of course knew I wasn't going to die.  I think that's just something you inherently know, you know when you need to say goodbye.  I never had that feeling.

Shadow always promised me everything would get better, and I know it will.  I'm a natural pessimist and he reeks of optimism.

The day will come when we can all be together as a family again, and take care of ourselves.

I want to thank everyone for their virtual support and hugs, especially those of you in the Google+ Wicca community.  You guys are awesome!πŸ’ž

Blessed Be!
πŸŒ›πŸŒπŸŒœ





Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Love Spells

Tarot cards, rose quartz, Lush massage bar and symbol for Gemini written in red ink.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and I promised you, the reader, my opinion on love spells.  Well, here it is, enjoy:

Wanting a significant other is probably the main reason why so many forlorn teenyboppers turn to witchcraft.  Homo sapiens are not meant to be alone, we are social creatures, and loneliness literally cripples us and other primates.

So I get it, you want someone to hold you, someone to be there for you through thick and thin.  For most people it's companionship, for others it's: God damn it I need to get laid!

Whatever your reason, you turn to magick.  Pure witchcraft solves this problem no questions asked, but Wicca does not.  See, if you turn to Wicca, then there are rules.  The law of three and an' it harm none.  So if you're Wiccan, you can't do a love spell on a person, because that's messing with their free will and that's a huge no no.

If you're Wiccan, you're left with bringing more love into your life as opposed to making Annette the super hot chick with the massive tits fall head over heels for you.  See, cause that's rape.  She doesn't really love you buddy (or gal), you forced her to be with you against her better judgement, so leave Annette and her future back problems alone.

What you're allowed to do in Wicca is a generalized love spell that brings more love to you without compromising an individual.  However, I'm here to stir the cauldron and put my two frogs legs in.

As the Goddess Rupaul Herself says "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

Wise words from a fabulous crone.

No one else can complete you.  Only you can complete yourself.  How the fuck are you supposed to be half a person, with insecurities and no confidence looking for someone else to put you on a pedestal?!  

Love yourself.

Take the time to care for YOU.  Before that Wiccan love spell can begin, you need work on yourself.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself "I love you, I am worth it, I am the most important person in my life".  Draw yourself a bath.  Meditate, be alone with your thoughts, light some candles and incense if you like, hell, put some rose petals in there too, cause why not? Let the water embrace you.  Perhaps this water is Poseidon or a lesser water deity.  Feel their energy cleansing you.  While in the water, if you want, take care of yourself and I do mean sexually.  Know your body, what it likes, what it doesn't.  You can bring yourself your own pleasure, you don't need someone else.

When the bath is done, dry off and bless yourself with anointing oil.  Then rub a suitable oil (I like Lush's massage bars) into every inch of your skin, perhaps this is when things get frisky with yourself if it didn't happen in the tub.  If not, that's ok.

You are cleansed, you are clean, you are relaxed and you can love the person you are.

The point I'm trying to make is, that you need to be in total control of your own body and not wait for someone else to show you what your body can do.  Especially women reading this.  Don't let a man make you think you can't orgasm like it's your fault.  If penises we're so great we wouldn't have been making dildos for thousands of years.

Building self esteem and confidence takes time, and only then will you be ready to do a love spell.

When you reach this goal of self love, a love spell that Uncle Bucky (Raymond Buckland) recommends is based on zodiac signs.  Let's use myself as an example.  I am an Aquarius, and my match is Gemini, therefore, I shall perform a ritual to bring a Gemini (Shadow happens to be a Gemini) to me, not a specific one, but someone of that sign.

The following is my take on this, not Uncle Bucky's.

The simplest way to do this is to draw the sign on a piece of paper (♊) and say a few words over it:

O beautiful Aphrodite, I ask that you help send a willing (sign) my way, so that I may have love and companionship, partnership and joy.
So mote it be.

Feel free to ask whichever deity you prefer.  Aphrodite might not care about me finding love, so who knows if she'll even answer.  The Greek Gods are fickle like that, they also like titles and I only called her beautiful when she has many more, so include those.

Take the piece of paper and place it under your pillow, do this leading up to a full moon.  If you want more correspondences than that, like colors, dates and times, check out Llewellyn's Complete Book of Correspondences.  I actually own it, but it's in storage, other wise I'd give you the info myself, not that I really use it.

So, feel free to use any of my suggestions here or not.  I'm going to gorge myself on chocolate tomorrow regardless.  I actually don't like Valentine's Day because it's too close to my birthday (the 11th), so it messes things up.  I'm not into lovey dovey, I'm into good quality chocolate.

There you have it.  Love yourself, that is my message, first and foremost to you dear reader.  No amount of rose petals or rose quartz can ever make true love happen, when it does, you'll know it, and even then be careful, cause the other person might not feel the way you do and boy do I have some stories about that.

Blessed Be my darlings.
πŸŒ›πŸŒπŸŒœ

Much love and light to you all! 😘

On a more serious note, I realize this can be a stressful if not depressing time for many of you, and I respect that, if you need someone to talk to, hit me up on Hangouts, I'm not busy tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

The Things We Own

Tools of the trade.


I've been guilty of this in the past; having too much stuff, especially when it comes to hobbies, pastimes or even my spirituality.

These are things I'm "into":
Books πŸ“š
Journaling πŸ“”
Fountain Pens ✒
Knitting
Crystals πŸ’Ž
Tarot πŸƒ
Tea (drinking and reading leaves)
Coffee ☕
Functional EDC bags (every day carry)
PokΓ©mon (where my trainers at? πŸ™‹)

Much of it coexists... well, probably not the PokΓ©mon fandom.

Now, within these things I own, there are people who specialize. They own only fountain pens, only rooms full of books and only collections of Witchcraft paraphernalia that take up more than just one designated altar.

Then, there is the lingo that goes with being a "guru" in such things.  For example in knitting a yarn can be "splitty" or "slippery".  People simply were not describing yarns like this ten years ago, trust me.  In fountain pen communities you hear the terms, "scratchy", "rail roading" and "feathering.

For Wicca, items purchased are "witchy", like skulls, or a bell sleeved shirt.  Ten years ago these were simply called "gothic".

This jargon makes it seem like the person really knows what the fuck they're talking about.

But the real question is, are you really going to use over 100 different fountain pens, when the whole point of one is for it to be reusable?

I hear so many Knitters who say things like "I'm buying these for my stash".  I've seen craft rooms filled with yarn. When are they going to knit through all of it, if they keep buying more?

Come and gather around my children, Mama Spiral is going to tell you a story:

Along time ago, in the year 2015, I had too much shit.  My closets were full with things I didn't even purchase.  See, Mama Spiral had a baby in April that year, and that's when the stuff got out of hand.  When you have a baby, people think they are doing you a favor by giving you things for your house, or for the kids, or for you, that you really don't need.  When you have a baby, you need very few things to take care of one; milk (I'm was a lactating mammal), clean clothes, and diapers.  That's it.  But people seem to think that in order to make your life with a baby easier, that you need lots of things to make it easier.

THIS IS FALSE.

Mama Spiral is here to tell you, that when you have a baby, the less stuff you own, the easier your life will be.  Trust me.  I have been on both ends of the spectrum, having too much shit and having nothing.

Mama Spiral and Papa Shadow lost most of our possessions in a boiler explosion at the place where our things were kept.  And this was after we culled everything down to only what we needed.  Except the crystals, since those were the most expensive items and if need be could be sold on eBay.

So, when we were at the shelter, we learned to live with much less.  Like, the bare minimum.  One journal, one fountain pen, one set of knitting needles, one book a week from the library, one small suitcase filled with clothes, one everyday bag, one doll for Ana and two small crystals for protection.

Not having all that clutter was amazing.

It was freeing.

It was how I imagine obtaining enlightenment to be.

Most of all, it was satisfying.

End of story.

Now my dear readers, let's get back to Wicca, specifically, because I know that's why most of you are here.

Yes, it is nice to have a fully stocked altar like ours was in the background of this blog.  It had drawers for candles and herbs.  The bottom had two shelves stocked with all our spiritual books (including the Bible and Book of Mormon, because why the hell not?) and several decks of tarot cards with their corresponding manuals.

We had it all.  We were living large, big ballin' Wiccan style.

When people saw all our stuff it made them say things like "wow, wish I had this" and "where'd you get this statue?". That made us feel good.

We of course saw things in catalogues and more things at Namaste and wanted even more things.  To fully outfit our apartment with religious items.  We were measuring the walls for tapestries (the one thing we didn't own), we wanted to put a shelf up to hold more crystals.  We wanted a  massive morganite.

Of course, we didn't buy any more stuff.  We couldn't.

Now in the past few months I have bought a few things here and there.  Like crystals that Ana picked out especially pieces I know we don't have. I purchased a new journal, but not a new planner for this year, opting to make my Moleskine into a planner/journal/Book of Shadows.  It's whatever I need it to be basically.  I only buy yarn for the project I want to knit instead of having boxes full.

But, the reality is, I don't need any of it in order to be Wiccan.  I have myself.  That's all I need.

I have been telling everyone almost every post I write that you don't need anything to be Wiccan.  Stop listening to the people who say you need this or that, especially if they're the one's selling it.  You don't.

Your index finger is the most powerful tool you have, it is your athame and wand, it is connected to you.  Your body is the only thing you need to feel the presence of deity.  Your body, is the only thing that truly needs to sit under the light of the moon.

The human body is an amazing vehicle.  We can feel the energy in water, we can feel it cleanse us.  We can fuel our bodies with food grown of the Earth and thank the Goddess of grain for that corn on the cob.

The love of the Gods is the love we give to ourselves.  Taking care of our bodies, eating well, brushing our teeth, applying oils to our skin.

That is day to day Wicca my friends.  Not who owns the most tarot decks, or the most Wicca books, or the most expensive altar tools.  It is not a contest.  The Gods don't care who has more pieces of selenite.

So, think about what you own.  What can you part with and donate or sell?  Is there perhaps an item you've never had at all and really would like, but don't have the money for?

When spring cleaning time comes (Ostara) take some time to think about these things.  How can you stream line your practice?  How can you declutter your life?  You may find that when the dust is swept and the shelves are clean that you can finally feel at ease.

Blessed Be!
πŸŒ›πŸŒπŸŒœ