Wednesday, December 28, 2016


You may have noticed that I've placed the word homeless in quotation marks.  Technically speaking, we are homeless, we don't have an apartment that we pay for, but we do have a place to sleep, eat, take a shower and gasp, watch tv and surf the web.

We have all the comforts of a home, without it being our home.

Shadow, our daughter and I are living quite comfortably in a temporary housing facility for families in Queens.  Yes, I finally made it back home, and to me that's everything.  NYC is my home, because NJ never was.  So even being in a "shelter" (we have our own lockable room with kitchenette and bathroom), is more satisfying that you could possibly imagine.

This place has history, culture, and a way of life which simply cannot be achieved anywhere else.  You will be ok here whether you make a million a year, or are penniless.  I use the city as a resource.  If you need it, it's here.  We feel taken care of here, where as in Jersey, we were waited listed or simply told that we couldn't be helped.

So, fuck you NJ.  Fuck you, for not taking care of it's citizens, and contributing to the red tape that tennants must go through to try and keep the apartment they call home.  We endured three years with no heat, leaking ceilings, and countless other issues, that I could not fix and should not have had to.  So, again, fuck you.

I'm a New Yorker again, and that relieves me, excites me, and sometimes scares me, because I've been gone for so long.  Eerily enough, we wound up in the same neighborhood I lived in as a small child; Jamaica.  There is a vibrant downtown area, where we literally have access to everything, and it's CHEAP.  Like seriously, we spend less money on food and other items here.  Newark seriously jacked up their prices on everything and that's not cool.  Plus they have plenty of Dollar Tree's here, which is seriously the best dollar store ever.  We bought everything for our little converted hotel room and then some.  I even managed to buy Dino a Harry Potter sticker book, for a dollar.  They had balls of Patons yarn for a dollar.  This seriously is the best place to live when you're in poverty.  Or, perhaps more precisely, one does not have to live in poverty (or feel that way) when they live here.

Yes, we're homeless, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way, and for that we're thankful.

Thus far, we've applied for our Medicaid and received our SNAP, switched our WIC over and checks are being picked up tomorrow.  They also labeled Shadow as our daughter's care giver so I can attend a back to work program specifically designed for people like me who have a disability.  On top of all that we will be figuring out what programs we qualify for for housing.  Everything is happening very quickly and efficiently, which is so very awesome.  Even the facilities here are lovely and clean and free of ghetto individuals and metal detectors.  One can feel human while applying for their benefits.

So, here's to new beginnings in the greatest city in the world.  I'll try to write more frequently from now on, now that things are settled.  It's an interesting journey, and perhaps we can reassure someone out there who like us, might be afraid or embarrassed to enter the system.



Monday, October 31, 2016


It takes being given seven days to get out to realize that I have entirely too much stuff.  Four closets packed to the brim with junk.  Items that I haven't used in the three years just sitting in there molding away, some things weren't even mine.  I have a bag of clothes that my mom gave to me, a bunch of toys that my sister left, and countless other stuffs.

I've thrown it out, whittled it down and there is still too much.  I've packed more garbage bags that I can count.

To top it all off, there is Shadow's things.  He hasn't even begun to pack and if we even get this efficiency apartment, then his things won't fit.  He thinks he's gonna set up a corner workshop, but there won't be any space.  There is only one closet, where clothes and toys need to go.  I DON'T want clutter, which is all his stuff.

It's just piled haphazardly on the sofa bed, which is going in the garbage.

He can't work anymore, so why does he need scaffolding tools?  Why does he need any tools at all?  The average apartment dweller needs a hammer, a few screw drivers, a tape measure, and a pair of pliers, perhaps, if you're pushing it, you may be inclined to own a drill gun and a wrench.  Anything after this is sheer over kill.  Shadow has stuff that could be sold that could make us money that could go to someone who actually needs tools.

In either case, this place doesn't seem promising at all.  The guy was 3 1/2 hours late, and we waited, then he took all day to email the application, which I just emailed back at around 10pm.  We have to move everything Wednesday at 5pm.  We're running out of time.  I can leave some things at my sister's loft, but not much, I can give her the food, and she's willing to buy our fridge.  After that, I don't know what to do, we have three choices, the shelter, my parents house (for me and the baby only) or Shadow's mom's house for all three of us, or just him.  Then there is my son to worry about who lives with his father who he hates.

I don't know what to do.  No one wants us in the shelter, they're dangerous.  So our options are few.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Now With More Meds

They, meaning my doctor switched me to Stelara.  It's over 10K a shot, of course, I don't have to pay for it.  My skin is clearing up super fast, but my joints are another story.  I still have to take a low dose of prednisone and meloxicam.   I feel like I'm getting better.  At least I need a lot less lotion now, and can definitely walk better.

My hands are doing better too, which allowed me to get some knitting done on a tight schedule.  I had to get 10 wash clothes and 6 pairs of mitts done for a pop up shop that my sister is helping put together.  I'm hoping they sell!

 My sister liked them.  I used whatever yarn I had in my bin.  I really wish I had money to buy some good quality wool to make a sweater and things for the baby.  Perhaps sometime soon.  I'd like a wool sweater for myself as well.

Anyway, after all that work, I get to work on something for myself.  A new pair of socks.  They shall be lovely.  I'm almost at the toe for the first one.


I've already painted my nails a sparkly dark grey in anticipation for Samhain.  I suppose I'll just dress in my witches costume, I don't have funds to put together anything else.  Costumes are so expensive for the fabrics they use these days and my sewing skills are just not good enough to sew my own.  I wish I could though, they do have excellent patterns.

As for the actual night, I have no idea what we're going to do.  It's a Monday evening, so at least there won't be that many crazies out too late.  New baby is only 18 months, so the parade is out of the question.  I suppose I'll just have to figure it out.  We will however be having our feast the night before while Dino boy is home.


I forgot to write about my Quantum Balance Crystal.  I received it from a very nice person on the Healing with Crystals Google + community.  I wear it everyday, when I was worse I would wear it at night.  I think it has helped me immensely.  The one I received is green.  It's actually a lot bigger than I expected too, but because it's cast from resin, it's warm to the touch and isn't cold putting it on like the other four crystal pendents that I wear.

Well, that is all for now.  I'd like to try and finish the toe of my sock tonight.  That will be sweet.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

The Swollen Knee; specifically the right one.

My right knee is swollen again.  It sucks.  It hurts, and my rheumatologist appointment is two weeks from now.  I requested some Meloxicam, not that it would do anything but give me heart palpitations, but it's worth a shot.  Right now I'm taking 1000mg of Ibuprofen and that's just taking the edge off.  People keep telling me to ask for Percocet (most likely because they want some too).  People here think that Percocet is a cure all.  Pregnant?  Percocet.  Shot in the leg? Percocet.  Sore throat?  Better get some percs!  The problem with Percocet is that it is in no way shape or form an anti-inflammatory medication.  While my knee is painful, I'm not dying.  I need the swelling to go down, not to be drugged up and high!

I've tried so many things for my illness.  So far nothing has worked for the joint pain.  Either I need a higher dosage of Humira or some other drug.

I feel as if Humira won't work until I start becoming sick, as in a cold.  See, only during pregnancy do I get colds, and only during pregnancy am I not in pain.  So therefor, the doctors must knock my immune system down enough so that I am at pregnancy levels and will be able to get a cold and fever.  This is my logic, and it makes perfect sense to me.

Meanwhile, I am surrounded by crystals, a grid on my right, a GIANT quartz on my left, several pieces on my neck, as well as a newly gifted piece, a Quantum Balance Crystal, which I must say, I do see a difference with and will be writing a review probably tomorrow for a Google+ group I belong too.

But still, like Kim Kardashians ass, my knee does rise.

(I know, I couldn't help myself)

An herbalist told me that I need to lay off dairy and wheat.  The auto immune protocol diet says I should lay off that and all grains and legumes, also eggs are apparently the devil.  You tubers, that wonderfully narcissistic bunch, say I need to go vegetarian, or vegan, or raw vegan, but bone broth is ok, and honey is antiseptic.  I should be consuming fermented foods at least twice a day, drinking apple cider vinegar, bathing in the stuff, and taking a high quality probiotic.

On top of all that, YouTube says I suffer from vitamin D deficiency, leaky gut, parasites and ring worm.

I have an auto immune disease.

Mine is like the opposite of HIV.  I have sky high platelets, and no sickness.  It's like my body is superman fighting off thousands of criminals all at once, except there really are none.

So what do I do after I've tried everything?

The problem is, my mind has a zest to live, while my joints are all like "yeah, fuck you, we ain't goin' out ever again."

I just want to not have a swollen knee.

Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Back From Florida

I've been back for a while now, but terribly lazy and in pain.  Really, the pain gets bad and then worse, I haven't really had a "good" day in a long time.  It's safe to say that this particular dosage of Humira isn't working.

I thought being in Florida for a few weeks would make me feel better, but sadly it didn't.  If anything I had more bad days there.  It also made me realize that I truly need to get my family out of this hell hole.  It's just not good for me any more.  It's too much stress and way too toxic.

Just yesterday these two heroin addicts from the neighborhood that Shadow always seems to get stuck in conversation with, came right up to our door, they've been knocking and ringing the bell, looking to make a quick buck because they know he has a huge box of e-ciggs to sell.

It's becoming unbearable, seriously.

The other problem is that of course Shadow doesn't listen to me.  Apparently he has "trust and anxiety" issues.  Well poo poo to that!  I told him to bring the packets to Washington Square park on the day of Pagan Pride, so this way he can sell them to NYU students and tourists around the fountain, hell he might also be able to sell his jewelry there as well.  I am the beautiful brains of this whole operation (us as a couple) and he needs to listen to me!

This whole situation is stressing me out, and that in turn is making me more ill.

I need a vacation from my vacation, like just by myself, without my babies, and certainly without Shadow.

I have grandiose dreams of sailing on the Queen Mary 2.  She's a fine vessel, sea worthy and filled with old farts.  Just my type of boat.  Also, one does not cruise on the QM2, one does a crossing.  I want to do a crossing.  It would be absolutely lovely to sail to and from England.  I would have tea every day and soak up the sun on the promenade.  Treat myself to a message and relax with a good book.  Say good bye to technology and concentrate on writing in a good old fashioned Moleskine with a fountain pen (I do this all the time anyway).

I don't have money but at least I can dream...  

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Away, Away... Away from Shadow

For the first time since we moved in together over two years ago, I will be going on vacation with only the children.  No Shadow.  They say every couple needs a break sometimes.  Now is a good time, I think.  We've been at each other's throats for quite some time, both of us being sick, on tons of medication, taking care of a rambunctious toddler.  It's taxing on a couple's zen.

We didn't start off as the traditional couple, I came as a two for one deal with my son, who took to Shadow like a mosquito to a bug zapper on a hot summer night.  He called him (and still does): "my best buddy".  His whole young life it seems, he has been after a male figure to love all his own, yeah he has his biological father, but that dude, don't get me started.

Shadow and I have never been able to go on a vacation by ourselves.  We had about a year of fleeting weekends alone at his place, while my son had visitation with his father.  We would explore Manhattan late at night, after cooking ourselves some really great food.  I could talk about how awesome the sex was, but everyone knows I'm border line addicted, so I won't.  I miss the food.  Shadow can fucking cook, when he actually wants to that is, but we used to do that together, at it was amazing.  It was our thing.  Now it seems we tend to eat more in shifts in-between feeding our Monster Toddler whose appetite is insatiable.

I recall planning a weekend to Salem, preferable around Halloween, but money was always an issue, back then I only worked part time, and Shadow was always "hibernating" (as he liked to call it) from work during the winter months.  Who knows when we will be able to take that trip.  Certainly not this year.  At least we have no shortage of grandmothers willing to watch the kids.

I'm actually going to Florida on the charity of my parents.  They even payed for plane tickets back up.  I am going to lessen the food bill by bringing my EBT card.  At least we can use it at Sam's Club.  Nothing like bulk chicken to make a belly full.

Am I going to miss him?

I don't know.

I can't say now.  He's been aloof lately.  Always outside, chilling with all the people who I told him not to hang out with.  Many of them are addicts, or former, or allegedly going to the meth clinic just cause.  (I mean, maybe it's the truth, I did hear someone say they pay you and give you a bus card every month, not a bad set up if you ask me.)  I've told him that either these people are waiting for the day that he gets his settlement money or they're just using him right now.

Many people in the hood have a fear and a deep-seated hatred toward white people.  I don't blame them, white people are the ones with the good jobs, the money, and the good hair.  They eat quinoa instead of grits, and go to actual places instead of sitting on the stoop.  These are facts according to non-white ghetto folk.

I can't even count how often I've tried to drill this into Shadow's head.  But he's gullible and naive.  He grew up poor, so he hates the police, and doesn't eat healthily, and just doesn't get it.

Right now, I need this break.  I need to not see him everyday, I need to not get angry at the stupid things he does and says.  Maybe then we can start with a clean slate.  Maybe then we can be how it was before all the medication, the accident, the relapse.

What I'm truly afraid of is not wanting to come back.  Absolutely dreading it.  Wanting nothing more than to stay in Florida on a sun drenched beach and be the single mom I used to love being and not having to put up with all the poor people bullshit.

Am I out of love with him?

Even as I type this, I can't answer, probably because I'm afraid to, but my rational mind keeps telling my heart: "you know he's not himself since the change in meds."  I wish it were other wise.  Sometimes I see him, and I give him a hug, a quick kiss, pinch his butt at night, because it's there and I like to.  I know I'm not a very loving or kind person.  That's just who I am, but that doesn't make me miserable.  I just don't have as much empathy as others, and I'm happy with who I am.  But I am capable of love in and of itself.  Humans need love, even us non lovey-dovey ones.

So I don't know.

At the end of the two weeks, I just want to come back better, I'm hoping to high hell Humira starts working, so that I can actually walk and not feel like my body is collapsing in on itself all the time.  I need to be refreshed, renewed.  A bright eyed, wind swept virgin staring off at sea...

I guess I'll just have to see what happens when I come back.

Thoughts On Privacy

I have always said, that if you have a social security number, than they are watching you.  They know where you live, where you work, and what videos you jerk off to.

I bring this up because several times we have heard that our apartment building, as shity as it is (gee thanks Hasidic Jews) is bugged.

People love, love, really love their weed around here.  It is a prolific business, the problem is, it's illegal, and the people that are bringing in the big batches are probably also the ones bringing in the heroin, which is the real problem.

I have always told people, don't be dumb, they (the investigators) are not in the regular unmarked cars, they are in the Honda Civics, blasting the same music you do.  They are also doing things in the neighborhood, like installing the items that let you access your porn that you watch as you get high.

The problem with drug addicts is that they are incredibly stupid, I mean if they were smart, they wouldn't be doing drugs, and if they really needed pain relief they wouldn't be smoking weed they'd be ingesting an extract instead.

These are people who are uneducated, they don't think twice about the people in their neighborhood, or the what look like broken cameras in the hall way.  Of course the cameras work, this building is owned by Jews!

Suspiciously, there is an oddly placed hole in my living room, I've joked about it before to my friends and family that whoever is watching me from that hole via camera or listening device has seen or heard a whole lotta shit, like my large naked psoriasis covered ass.  Or my huge floppy milk filled boobs.  (Aren't I supposed to get paid for you to see that?  Bitch, where's my money!?)

Another place they could have easily hidden a device in, is the large Verizon box in the living room.  The Verizon dude swears that it's a box that creates our own network so it doesn't lag being attached to anyone else's.  I'm not a computer wiz, so I don't know, perhaps the police are in cahoots with the internet installers?

It's not all this watching I'm concerned about.  Again, where's my money?  It's the aftermath of all that watching.   Drug busts lead to gun battles, snitching, and a hell of a lot of other bad stuff.  Stuff which I want to have no part in.

Everyone deals in Newark out in the open.  I am a very observant person, however, one does not need to be observant when you are being obvious as well as oblivious.  I've seen people buying pills downtown, pill bottles out, money in hand, not a visible cop in sight.  That's the type of shit that pisses me off.  I've seen a man selling "lean" (prescription strength cough syrup mixed with Mountain Dew) out of the trunk of his car right in front of my job, where I worked with preschool kids.  Really?  You couldn't park down the street at least?  Downtown, people just light up their joints as if Newark has legalized recreational use.  No shame.  The clouds of smoke mingle with the copious amounts of Muslim incense being burned on each of the historic four corners, yet the smell of Mary Jane will always overpower even the strongest Frank and Myrrh.

These are the people that need to do that shit in private.  No one needs to see your ass slumped over at the bus stop, I need that seat, dumbass, I'm in pain, and you sir, are an idiot for not knowing how to deal with yours!

Newark has a drug problem, there is no denying this.  Black boys get arrested for possession, while white boys get a slap on the hand, black boys are the criminals, while white boys are the silly and perpetually hungry pot heads a la Shaggy and Scooby.  They could legalize for recreation and perhaps part of that problem would go away.  Who knows?  It would certainly create more tax revenue for the city, better fund the schools, and over time, kids would simply learn to be smart and not do drugs.

But back to privacy, this is America and privacy doesn't really exist, they're watching us, they know what we're doing and who we're doing it with.

It's just a matter of what you do with that knowledge, don't do stupid things so you don't get caught, because eventually you will get caught.  We live in an era where the camera is always rolling, non stop.  At any point I could have collected evidence of drug distribution with my own camera, and no one would have thought anything of it.  People note how I "don't belong here", how I'm "too smart", and "what's a nice white girl like you doing in the hood?".

How do they know I'm not the one watching them?

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Hanging In There, #ProductOfNewark

I had my surgery, and now I can take Humira again, but it's kicking my ass.  I'm exhausted all the time, as if I had been up all night every night.  My body aches, and it's doing nothing for the joint pain, so I still have to pop Meloxicam.

It is not fun being this tired, and in this much pain.

In other news, it is months later and Ben is still making his jewelry, which is still very surprising, cause he just tends not to be one of those people that sticks to things.  Well, I am happy to report that so far, he is sticking to it, and he seems to be attracting a small following of admirers of his work.  This is fabulous.  He seems to be happy about it, which is good, he needs something to do.  I wish I could do more of my hobbies, but the pain has robbed me of that.

Luckily I will be taking the children to Florida for a few weeks, so I can have some much needed recovery time.  Rest and relaxation is much needed, and will be very much appreciated.  It's been one hell of a year, between giving birth, a relapse, surgery and so many medications that have worked for some time and then stop all together.  I need me time.  I should have been enjoying my daughter instead of sleeping through it in a dazed fog of pills.

I'm hoping to get better in the next few weeks.  The pamphlets say that Humira takes about 12 weeks to see improvement, that's 4 injections.  I really hope I feel something soon.

There is still so much I have to deal with, much of which I won't talk about here,  but part of which I think needs to be addressed.

Racism runs rampant in this country, and it sucks.  One of my friends can't find a good job in Arizona because not only is he Black, he is Gay.  It's 2016, we need to get our shit together and acknowledge the stupid things we did in the past, but move forward.

I bring this up, because my son has been told, that he needs to go to a school with more white children.  He was also told that while M.L.K Jr. did some good things, he was wrong about segregation.

I am livid.

You do not tell my son these things, NO child should hear this shit.

My son has also been told that he will be a "product of Newark" if he continues to live here.  This person went on to clarify that he meant a drug dealer.

Again, unacceptable.

If I had Facebook and other social media accounts, I would be asking everyone to spread #ProductOfNewark, with a picture of themselves or a loved one being their incredible selves, going to church, graduating, playing sports, whatever, I don't care (just not pictures of people smoking weed, we'll save that for the legalizing campaign).

It is extremely upsetting that in this day and age people still think this way.  It is gross, it is disgusting, and the person is question was a teacher, and should not be spewing this garbage to students.

So, I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you do, spread the word.  Idiots like this needs to stop.


Sunday, May 22, 2016

Still Sick and Other Things

It's been a month and I still haven't taken another dose of Humira.  I've been in pain and now my knee has decided to swell up as well.  I've had a CT scan, and seen an infection disease specialist.  I've had my blood drawn more times than I can count.  Tomorrow, I also go to an ENT and get a biopsy.  Then on Tuesday it's back to the rheumatologist.  Such fun.

I just want to be able to fucking walk.  Is that too much to ask for?  I'm tired of using my cane.  It's ugly.  I want a pretty cane.  I'd probably feel much better if I had a pretty purple cane.  That's how the brain works!  I start to heavily crave pretty things when I get like this.  Like new knitting needles, or yarn, new pairs of Crocs so my feet don't hurt as much (they never do take all the pain away).

Today at least, Shadow was super nice and ordered me a new pair of Birkenstocks.  I'll feel better with my Birks.  They have a better arch than Crocs anyway.

Speaking of Shadow, or writing, which ever way you want to look at it.  He actually really is taking this jewelry making thing seriously.  I'm quite surprised.  He's been making piece after piece and even made me a pair of earrings.  Here is some of his work:

Everyone seems to adore them, while I for one am neither here nor there.  What concerned me was that he was buying things labeled dragon's blood something or other agate (of which there is no such thing) that is clearly glass of the powdery feeling variety off of eBay.  He also purchased died stones as well.  Now, I have a few in my collection, but they're from when I was like 13 and didn't know any better.  Now, I would NEVER buy a piece that was altered in such a way.

I suppose we shall see how this all winds up.  People are interested, and have offered to post them to their sites, even the shop woman at the Natural History Museum in NY, which is a pretty big deal really.  I've had my sister look at his things to see if he had potential and she seems impressed, and believe me, it takes an awful lot to impress the girl with a heart two sizes too small.  She offered to put them in a class she is doing.

Shadow definitely feels a lot better now that he can work with his hands again.  So at least that's a start to more peacefulness in this apartment.

Meanwhile, I finished an order of 15 washcloths for my sister to take to Guatemala as presents.  She paid me 80 dollars even, which is pretty sweet considering the amount of pain in my hands to make them.  I haven't been doing much knitting at all lately because of my poor hands.  Instead, I continue my Pokemon journey to be the very best and catch 'em all.  I've done myself proud with 707 caught as of tonight.  I even got one certificate and the oval charm.  Everyone is really after the shiny charm, so that is of course what I'm going for myself.

I'm mainly doing it to take my mind off of all this illness crap.  I just want to be better.  I hope I hear some good news tomorrow.  That would be lovely.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Completing the Pokedex.

I have been playing Pokemon since 1998.  I was 13.  I'm now 31 and I still play.  It's fun.  It keeps me entertained and gives my brain a work out in strategy, or something, I don't know, who cares?  Pikachu is fucking cute!

Anyway, after all those years of playing, I have never completed the Pokedex.  It's one of those things you are supposed to do, but I haven't.  Now two new games are coming out at the end of the year (which might I add is the 20th anniversary) and that's only going to add even MORE monsters to acquire.

Part of the problem with completing the Dex over the years was ease of accessibility.  In the old days you needed to be in the actual presence of a person and possess a link cable, but people were unwilling to trade their beloved Pokemon!  Then with wifi things got easier, perhaps a little too easy for hackers.  I do have some hacked Pokemon that I use for breeding.  (Yes, I make them do things to each other to produce eggs.) This gets me the ones I need for trade.

Lately, I've been having some varied success in completing my dex.  My strategy is to get a Kanto Pokemon (those seem to be elusive for some) give it Pokerus (another rare in-game condition) and attach an Enigma berry, because those were event only and people want them.

Thusly, I am able to get what I want, usually quite quickly.  Sometimes, it's been over night, but very rarely.

So far I am at 667 out of 722.  721 is Hoopa, and 722 is Volcanion which technically hasn't been released get in the US, but kids in Japan have them and of course hackers put them out there with their perfect stats.

I'm hoping to complete it within the next few weeks.  Then, I'll get back to my knitting.  Usually knitting and writing take a back seat, like third row seat, to playing Pokemon.  It is a time consuming game, but all of my hobbies are!

Now, back to the fields of Kalos I go!

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Humira aka Fake AIDS

That's what I call it anyway.  Fake AIDS.  It shuts down you're immune system, within hours.  It's kinda nuts.

I took my first inject last week and it burned like hell, the next day, most of my arthritis pain was gone, but I had an ever increasing headache, no appetite (thank god, cause I'm a foodie who HATES hunger pains) and nausea.  This lasted about 5 days.  The final day I had a full blown migraine.  It was awful.

I was exited for my pain to go away, it would have also been nice for my skin to get better.  Instead I wound up with a viral infection.  My lymph nodes are severely swollen.  I look terrible, and the swelling in my joints is beginning to return, probably because I need the injection every week instead of every two.

I went to the doctor and he said not to take next weeks dose.  To give me a week to get better.  They did blood work, they gave me a chest x ray.  I have a sore throat and my bottom teeth feel like they ALL have cavities (which of course is impossible).  They are all sore too.

I just want to feel better for once.  I'm tired of this bullshit.

I'm also trying to stick as best as I can to the autoimmune protocol.  It's tough, but doable.  I did loose two pounds in less than a week.  Which is awesome.  No grains means Spiral doesn't gain weight.

Well, I hope I get better soon.  My neck hurts from my swollen nodes.  It sucks.  They were also concerned about my fever and exceedingly high heart rate.  I can feel my heart beating very fast, even at a resting state.

At the end of the day, it would be nice to have clear skin, but I want to ride my bike again and have energy!  That's more important to me.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Finds from the Gem and Mineral Show

That is a gigantic pyramid shaped quartz crystal and a chunk of pyrite.  

We go to the New York and New Jersey Gem and Mineral Show every year since we've become a "family".  It's usually fun.  One year, I dropped a ton of money on pieces to place on our newly acquired altar.  This year however, Shadow only bought a few things.

I was looking for a ring, but he'll never buy me one, so what's the point.  Dino got a spy kit and bag of crystals from water sloughing.  He does that every year, it's his favorite part.  Last year he got a plastic treasure chest with real fossils.  I think we paid 20 for that.  This year the choice was a bag of crystals or one geode for 10.   I got nothing.

I also yelled at Shadow for being so fucking gullible.  He bought lightbulbs, when he can't even get on a chair to change them.  They're LED, IKEA sells LED now.  I bought some already.  No big deal. But he was so amazed at the sales man who threw them on the floor, and oh man!  They didn't break! Gee whiz!  Idiot.

I yelled at him a second time when he was looking to buy this cheap looking TENS machine.  They wanted 300 for it.  No way was the thing worth that much.  Allegedly, the lady came over, after I yelled at him and gave it to him for free.  Well I don't believe him.  He has lied to me about spending money before.  He bought another Xbox and lied saying he fixed.  He spent over 1000 bucks in a few weeks on fishing equipment and lied about that too.

I'm seriously tired of all the lies.

I just want to be able to go somewhere and have a nice time, or at least a semi decent one, but he is just plain dumb and stupid sometimes.  Only my youngest sister is that gullible.  I swear, you could sell that man some organic caca from the lemurs of Madagascar and he'd buy it thinking it's the best shit ever.

I did not have a good time.  He took way too long to look at everything, when me, Dino and New Baby circled everything three times.  Seriously, he takes too much time to process information.  It completely boggles my mind.

I'm really waiting for the mind body spirit festival, but that's not until October.  I think I do not want to take him.  He's such a hassle, he's worse than a freaking child!  It will be a fine time just me, Dino and New Baby.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

This Week's Obsession

Shadow has a nasty habit of changing his mind too much.  Are all Gemini's like that?  I don't know, I'm too lazy to look it up.

Basically, every week, or two weeks or sometimes, every month, Shadow gets a brilliant idea but never sees it through.  I can count so many, fishing, herbs, building a tiny house, "making money" (this has been in various forms) and so many other schemes.  He has too much drive and not nearly enough diligence.  It's terribly annoying.

Right now, it's jewelry making.  He's taking crystal points and wrapping them in wire hoping to get 25 bucks or more out of each piece in the city.

I wonder what he'll move on to next week ?

The main problem is, that each time he get's an obsession, he buys A LOT of stuff that goes with it.  He has purchased a closet full of fishing junk.  We have a huge box of dried herbs, we have books he hasn't read.  He has always had crystals, so I won't complain about those.  I own many pieces myself. But now he wan't to buy all the jewelry making paraphernalia.  Do you see where this is going?

All these endeavors have been nothing but a waste of money.

Then, he asks me to support him.  He needs my support.  Bullshit.  I don't support anyone unless I see a finished product.  Or in his case, multiple finished products because he's terribly lazy, will make one and he's done.

The other problem with people thinking that they can make stuff is the quality of work.  Due to youtube, everyone and their mother thinks they can make shit.  They don't have talent.  I'm sorry, but I'm not going to buy something from you unless it looks good.  Don't charge money based on your labor when it looks like shit.  The do it yourself movement has gotten completely out of hand.  STOP making shit if you don't know how to.  Find something you're good at, and buy the stuff you want and can't make from other people who can make it well.

For example.  I can knit but can't crochet.  If I want something crocheted, I sure as hell ain't gonna sit there and make it myself, I have no talent for it, it will look like shit.  Therefore, I ask my mama to make that crocheted baby hat.  Or I'd purchase it from someone else who's workmanship meets my standards.

I would love to make my own soap, but I don't have the money to buy all the necessary equipment and sit there and make batch after batch until it comes out to my liking.  So, I buy soap from other people.  These people have talent in soap making, it smells good, it is ascetically pleasing, and it cleans me.  It's a win win situation.

I'm sorry that Shadow hasn't found his calling in life, but he's probably too old for it now, or has to wait a couple of years for his mid life crisis to hit.  He'll be 37 in June, so that's soon, men don't live that long.  Perhaps then, he will have a real epiphany and be driven to create something worthy of my patience, because very little things are.

I can also say that it was his idea to start this blog because he read online that one could make money by blogging.  Well, he has yet to write a single post, and I the writer (I actually did go to school for writing) haven't made a single penny.  Don't writers get paid by the word?  Or do I have to endorse some company and sing it's praises, lying to the readers about how this is the only vaginal cream I use for my poor post child birthing hole?  I mean, that's what most bloggers do right?  Stick to the one awesome thing that pays the most bucks?  I think I'll skip that.

So, onwards to a new day, and next week, or month or soon, when Shadow decides that his new calling in life is selling vacuum cleaners or some such thing.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Thoughts on Marriage

Being married was always one of those things I just thought I was supposed to do when I was younger.  I was essentially groomed to be a housewife.  I can cook, I can clean, I can knit, and sew buttons back on shirts.  Boring stuff really, but there is a certain rhythm to it all that I enjoy.  The problem is, while I pondered about what made a couple decide which side of the bed they'd each sleep on, there was a shit ton of other stuff that I never thought of and no one ever tells you about.

There is the house keeping, which as I have said, I was taught to do it all myself, but I see from reading or watching TV that some couples act as if they are merely house mates and divide the work evenly.  I can not allow Shadow to do dishes, he is horrible at it.  He's actually horrible at many chores if and when he does decide to help out.  So, I get mad and shoo him out with the broom... on the head, or the leg, usually the leg.

Now, we are not married.  He's never even asked me to marry him.  I don't have a ring.  The reality is, even if I did, I couldn't wear it due to my arthritis.  But what do married people do?  Was I supposed to do research before I decided to live with him, before I said, hey, I'm getting old, put a baby in me now?  I don't know.  When did I decide in my right mind that it was ok to hunker down with someone for the rest of his life?  (He'll die first, he has bad habits.)  Are human beings even meant to be in this type of relationship?  Maybe we're supposed to be like dolphins and randomly have sex with strangers.

Sometimes I think, maybe he's the only one who will ever be able to put up with my bullshit.  After all, I produce quite a lot, or so I've been told.  I am, of course, not ashamed.  It's who I am.  I'm proud to be who I am, and love myself.  I agree when Whoopi said that you shouldn't be with someone who "completes" you.  If you're not a complete human being all by yourself, then you have no right to be with anyone.  However, what if it's the other person who you have a sneaking suspicion isn't complete, or hasn't really "grown up", or every woman's complaint: "matured".  Do you then help them grow up?  What about those people who "grow" together as a couple?  I think they should have had there shit straightened up before they got together.

Was I supposed to ask myself what it was exactly that I wanted out of a relationship?  Is that another thing that someone does?  People wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right, but during that waiting, did you figure out what you were going to do with the damn person after you bumped uglys?

There are books on the subject, happy marriages, successful marriages, I'm sure some poor soul wrote  about how not to get a divorce, and I'm sure they're still miserable, all the while convincing themselves they're really happy (either that, or the sex is excellent).  It's obvious by the extremely high divorce rate (I've read sometimes as high as 50%), that marriages don't last or work (and the authors still make money and lawyers still get paid).  It is obvious that other people have had these questions and other people have tried to answer them with varying degrees of success.

I used to tell people my theory on how I would know when I found "the one".  I said, that it's like how it's always been with my two sisters, if the man can take a shit while I'm brushing my teeth and vice versa, then that is the man I need to be with.  Well, people don't like that.  Apparently defecating is supposed to be a matter of privacy.  One woman, who was supposed to be my adviser, who had never been married, and I suspected was a lesbian, said I was disgusting, and that a true marriage was not about sex or anything else, but true love, and being able to eat breakfast together quietly in the morning while sipping on coffee and simply enjoying each other's company.


Yes, I enjoy eating breakfast with Shadow, we've never done it quietly, but there has to be more to it than that.  You each have to be completely and utterly comfortable with one another.  If the other person has a pimple on their ass, then you must be brave and pop it, when you throw up on the floor, but are too sick to clean it, then the other person must have the strength to mop it up.  This is the gross and the nasty, through sickness and through health.  We've been there, done that, Shadow has watched me give birth to our daughter.  I think this is the end all when it comes to sheer stomach power.

Is there more?  And what of sex?  I've always thought those people who marry as virgins are either lying about their virginity, or fucking idiots.  It brings to mind RuPaul's "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"  All people regardless of orientation, gender, whatever it is human beings are identifying themselves with these days, should not only masturbate, but have SAFE sex with as many other humans as you'd like.  This way, when you do wind up with "the one" you're not "used goods", but a primed, well oiled machine with experience in both creating and receiving orgasms.

Shadow and I already have the taking care of children thing down.  That's the easy part.  It's the relationship aspect, the "we as a couple" part that hasn't yet clicked for me, and I don't really understand why.  Perhaps I'm questioning too much.  Maybe, these are things I will just come to realize over time.  I don't know.  "Our life" is exponentially more complicated than just "my life", which just complicates my life even more.

I'm hoping that one day I figure this whole thing out.  In the end I could say that marriage is yet another one of societies constructs, but people tend to be quite touchy when I say such things.  And actually, I do enjoy making people angry with my opinions.  That means they're really thinking about it.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Bye Bye Knit Picks Community

For years I kept a separate knitting related blog on the Knit Picks website, then life happened, and I didn't post for a long time.  I also didn't do the prolific amount of knitting that I had in the past.   It was fun seeing other peoples pictures of their own handiwork and to get comments on the creations I personally made.  Over the years however it seems, that only one person continued to post.

Now today, I open my email to see that they are closing that section of the website.  I guess cause it was so inactive.  Tons of people are on Ravelry, but I guess they forgot about the Knit Picks community.  Oh well.

I suppose now, I shall link this one to Ravelry and see what happens.  Perhaps people will judge me, that would be interesting.

Anyway, from time to time, there will be pictures of knitting, like this one:

See?  It's fun.  This was a bonnet I made for my sister's baby.  It's cute.  That's what I do, I made adorable things.

Here is a fun picture of Shadow with Ana.  She was screaming and having none of it.

Isn't he handsome? Ana is cute too!

So I guess that's an end of an era.  In the end it's easier to have everything combined anyway!

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Being More Naturally Conscious When Dirt Poor

So, we're poor.  Like foodstamps and welfare poor.  No joke.  But the problem with being on emergency assistance (it really was an emergency, more on that at another time) is that it leaves little wiggle room for buying organic and "all natural".  We can't go and spend five hundred dollars on a complete set of Young Living or doTERRA essential oils.  Most organic foods are out of the question unless it's in season fruit or veg that is on sale.  Hell, we used to buy the olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods along with sliced chorizo that cost 19.99 a pound (it's is GODLY by the way and I highly recommend it).  But we can't do that anymore.

So what can we do?  Well, we have always cooked our food from scratch, it saves mad money and sometimes allows us to purchase the better quality ingredients.  We use vinegar to clean everything so we don't have to buy cleaning supplies, not even bleach, cause bleach stinks.  I am able to mix it in a spray bottle with water and a few drops of tea tree oil which I had before we hit rock bottom.  We learned to use coconut oil for everything.  Your arm hurts?  Coconut oil on that shit.  The baby needs to have her temp taken?  Put coconut oil on that thermometer.  No more K and Y Jelly?  Coconut oil on that dick.  It replaces so many things.

Throughout the years however, I've always spent a great deal of money on bath and body products.  I have psoriasis, I deserve that organic face wash from Africa that helps women run their own business.  I don't worry about wrinkles or firming, or crap like that.  I desire moistness.  I just want to not be dry and horrendously itchy.  Coconut oil can be awesome, but mix it with cocoa butter, shea butter and beeswax, and bam, lotion bars that are amazing.  Individually those ingredients cost money.  Beeswax is the most expensive, however a little goes a long way.  These I can make easily, but soap and shampoo, not so much.  I mean I could, but I'm lazy and afraid of the lye involved.

Today, I went to Lush for the first time.  I had honestly never paid attention to them before because I thought all they made were bath bombs.  I didn't know they had shampoo bars and bar soap and awesomely expensive lotion that I can't afford right now.  So, I'm trying two of their products.  Or rather, my son is trying a bath bomb and I am trying a shampoo bar that promises to soothe my dry itchy scalp.  I also got a sample of their Charity Pot lotion, I put it on my hands at the store and they seem to still be not dry now.  Lotion is one of those things that will always need reapplying through out the day, but if I get a concoction that only needs to be done in the morning and at night, then it is a keeper.  We'll see how these products go.  I can spend ten or more bucks on a bar of organic triple milled soap, and I've wasted a good amount of money on stuff that doesn't work.

Another thing I've actually struggled with is the yarn I purchase.  When available, I make an effort to buy organic cotton, but cotton is notoriously difficult to work with.  Organic wool is way too expensive, even when we had our cushy two incomes.  The problem is I enjoy knitting, but I run out of yarn and instead of ordering a natural product or now, not having enough money, I purchase the cheap acrylic.  Yes it's washable, but it's plastic, and I dress my baby in it, and I feel bad, because she's wearing a plastic sweater.  This is another area where I need to put my foot down and say, no to synthetics.  I have found that an easier and cheaper way to do this is not buy for the sake of the stash. Focus on exactly what project you'd like to make, choose your pattern, calculate your yarn cost, shop around for the best price for the wool, or for you god awful vegan folk, cotton or linen or such, and purchase exactly what you need.  I like to think about it this way, I'm putting so much time and effort into hand knitting, so I might as well purchase a quality yarn and hand wash it gently with a good wool wash.

Right now, I wish we could do more.  But the little things add up and make a difference in our lives.  Hopefully things get better for us, so we can live like we really want to and do things even better for ourselves and the environment.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

American Refugees

With all the complaints about Trump and people swearing they're going to move to Canada, could the phrase "American Refugees" be the next big thing on the news?  Probably not.  Although if you believe some sources, real-estate agents north of the border ( I was totally tempted to type "north of the wall") have had serious inquiries about properties from Americans.

What would that be like?  People fleeing en masse from the "greatest" country in the world?  It's an interesting concept.  See, everyone came here fleeing something else.  So would president Trump, excuse me, let me use his real last name, Drumpf, really be all that bad?

At the end of the day, the president really doesn't affect (am I using the right one?  or is it effect ?) our day to day lives, except to give comedians more material for their monologues.  At least that's the way I feel.

Unlike most Americans, I wouldn't high tail it out to Canada however.  Canada is cold, they speak French in some parts, it would be just as bad as all the damn Spanish around here.  Europe has their own human migration problem, people want to go to Australia as well.  I did too at one point, for the lovely weather, until I researched and found out that there are entirely too many creepy crawlies that can kill you.  So, not fun in the least.

I could go to my ancestral home, except that Greece is being overrun by Syrians.  Greece has it's own damn problems, leave the home of my daddy alone!

So where would I go?  What country would welcome us with open arms and exchange our ugly green paper for their money at a reasonable rate?  I'd go to England.  England has history, but it's also cold, and has perhaps a week worth of sunlight a year.  Not very good for a person of Mediterranean origin who thrives on copious amounts of vitamin D.  South America and Africa are out of the question, too many people are being murdered over drugs and diamonds and such.  The middle east, nope, no thank you there are Jews there and they can't cook.  China has too much pollution, but they do have a burgeoning middle class.  Plus, you can feel more patriotic when making purchases, knowing that it's made local.  This can be an important deal breaker for some of us after all.

So where?  Where in the world could we be safe to practice what religion we wanted, what occupation to have, receive free education for our children?  (No one is talking about college, so fuck you, we NEED people to clean toilets and flip burgers!)  Be able to purchase a home without having to default on an outrageously priced mortgage?  Not get fat from the government allowing Monsanto to grow genetically engineered corn?

Who knows?

I certainly don't.

We're quite the progressive nation compared to the rest of the world.  I doubt one man with piss yellow hair is going to have that much of an impact as to change the entire ecosystem of this country. I could be wrong however, and the landscape featured on the Walking Dead could become our new reality.  Meh.  Meh is what I say, and meh is what I shrug my shoulders at.  It's all meh.

This was all just a thought I had, because it would be terribly entertaining for those anchors on the BBC to say in their British accents "Thousands of American Refugees landed in Heathrow airport today..."  I think it would really give the terrorists in their little bunkers something to laugh at.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

An Introduction to Us

I have been told time and time, and time yet again to write a blog.  You see, I've always been a writer. Never been published, but I have a lot on my mind.  I'm outspoken, politically incorrect, overly opinionated and outlandish.  I have been called eccentric as well as anachronistic.  Former friends accused me of having no tact.  My reply?  I was born and raised in NYC, grew up listening to a father who yelled obscenities in every sentence.  Tact?  No thank you.

I don't care what others think.  I care about three people and a cat.  Perhaps a few others as well, but we'll leave them out of this for now.

Now here's the deal:  The internet is filled with morons (and maybe I'm one of them) that only do one thing.  Like "beauty" or cupcakes or crochet, or sex with cacti, to each their own, but they are morons nonetheless.  Just as a side note, I am allowed to say morons as a born and bred New Yorker, and as such, I can also use the word retard.  Also, I don't care if it offends you.  This is the internet, there are pictures of people doing "beauty" as well as pictures of people having sex with horses.  C'est la vie!

I digress, I am not one of those morons who does one thing.  You see, I am a multi faceted human being who is capable of many things and have learned to do those many things long before the internet came about because I was a good little Greek girl who learned to do many things out of sheer necessity, or because I was expected to become a good wife one day.  I can cook very well, and of course I can, because I am Greek, by definition Greek people can cook well.  I bake my own bread a few times a week because American bread sucks and contains enough sugar to quickly render one diabetic.  I knit, everyday, I learned at age 5.  I am that bitch who knows how to make useful garments out of sheep hair to keep my man warm in this god forsaken frozen waste land that is Jersey.

Other things I can do: build IKEA furniture.  Many people can't.  They are idiots.  It's not that difficult.  I have put all my furniture together by myself because my husband Shadow can be a lazy ass.  I can fix things and install things.

There are so many things that I can do, so this blog will not just be about one thing.  I have many talents and interests.  I was a musician, a teacher, I am a Pokemon trainer and have been one since 1998, I am Wiccan as is Shadow and together we study and practice as eclectic Wiccans.  We both come from former Christian backgrounds, we won't bash you, but you have to admit that there is something seriously wrong with the Abrahamic religions in general.  Don't tell me what to wear or eat.  I shall do as I will, an it harm none.

Shadow will introduce himself as he sees fit.  He's a blast really.  Well, not really, we're hippies, and he's just a pot smoking Cali boy, but I promise there is much more to him than that, if he can remember what it is.

So.  Maybe this blog will be all over the place.  Maybe you're looking for a specific thing and want to know what our opinion on it is, because it is truly very important to seek information from strangers on the internet.  For example, we support Trump, because he's a billionaire and this is America God damn it!  We can talk about the crystals we own and use.  Shadow can go on about various things that I can't.  It's all fun and games in our apartment!

Even if no one reads, or comments, who cares.  What matters is that I get my thoughts on screen and forever saved in order to embarrass my children later in life.  It is worth it.

That is all, until tomorrow, or whenever I feel like writing again.  I won't promise dates and times, I'm a bitch, I cater to no one.  You will wait and when the next post comes, it comes.  Have patience, it's another thing I was taught to have without the use of the internet.